How to watch women's March Madness like a pro: Plan your snacks, have stats at the ready

So, you’re going to watch women’s March Madness. 

Is this your first time? If so, welcome. The women’s game is growing at a rapid rate, and we’re happy to have you here. You’ve picked a great time to join the party, given the star power of players like Caitlin Clark and Angel Reese, who are playing in their last March Madness. But don’t worry, there’s plenty of young superstars in the game too, from JuJu Watkins (Southern Cal) to Hannah Hidalgo (Notre Dame) to Madison Booker (Texas) and a whole host of others. 

Filling out men’s brackets has always been par for the course but this year, nearly every bracket competition has seen a significant uptick in people filling out women’s brackets. There’s no question the women’s tournament is going to shine this year — maybe even outshine the men’s — and we’re here to help you enjoy it. So let’s talk semantics, so you can have the best women’s tournament viewing experience possible. 

You, or your local bar, must subscribe to ESPN in some capacity

I know we’re all in our cable cord-cutting era — except for me, my Xfinity bill is absurd, and I blame Larry Scott and the Pac-12 Network — but the reality is, if you want to watch the women’s tournament, you have to have access to ESPN. And not just regular ESPN but ESPN2, ESPNU and ESPNews. A handful of games, including the championship, will be broadcast on ABC, which is part of the Disney/ESPN family. The Wide World of Sports goes all out for the women’s tourney and, knowing there’s more interest than ever this year, has done a better job than in tournaments past of spreading out tip times, so we’ll get our fill of hoops from morning to night. 

IT'S BRACKET MADNESS: Enter USA TODAY's NCAA tournament bracket contest for a chance at $1 million prize.

You will want a direct line to ESPN — don’t be bootlegging this — or you’ll fall behind and X, the artist formerly known as Twitter, will inevitably spoil it for you. 

And if you decide you’re going to watch games at a sports bar — a fun but cripplingly expensive endeavor — make sure the bar shows women’s games. If they don’t, make a scene. One way to avoid this fiasco would be to select a bar that only shows women’s sports (yes, those exist, and the trolls are unhappy about it). 

Finally, please do not be dumb enough to do something like watch games at a bar known for hosting Iowa graduates and then root against Caitlin Clark. Ditto with a South Carolina bar where you want to root against the top-ranked and undefeated Gamecocks. Doing either of these things will not end well for you, personally or professionally. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. 

Second screens are your friend

I know that many people love juggling multiple screens. Personally, I’m a screen monogamist; I get stressed out trying to track multiple games at once. Maybe this makes me old, but that’s a story for another day. 

During the NCAA Tournament though, second screens become necessary. I mean, how else are you going to keep tabs on Clark while watching if FGCU can pull off the 12-5 upset over Oklahoma? (One of these days I’m going to pick an FGCU upset and be right. Ditto for UNLV.) 

If you can, I suggest a second screen that’s not your phone or personal computer, because you’re probably going to be texting your friends about your bracket going up in flames and looking things up on the internet like, how many points has Clark scored in the NCAA Tournament? Personally, I like to have my regular TV and my iPad mini handy. I’d also encourage you to consider using your work computer to stream games because let’s be real, you’re not going to actually work anyway. 

Snack wisely, and avoid empty calories

Remember, this is a marathon, not a sprint, and you’re going to need your energy. That means protein-packed snacks that can help you stay alert for a full day of games: peanut butter-filled pretzels, protein bars and trail mix are some of my favorite go-tos. I know Cheez-Its are delicious, but that’s a whole lot of empty carb calories. You might be tempted to nap after chowing down a box of those, and we have no time for sleeping.

A word to the wise: Make your grocery run the day before games start, so you’re ready. And plan your caffeine intake accordingly. You’re probably going to need a pick-me-up at 3 p.m. your time. Coffee delivery is usually available, too. 

Walk the dog before games start. Trust me. 

Every year, it’s the same thing. I tell myself I’ll take my pup for a walk between games. Teams get 20 minutes of warm up time, which means I can use that time, too, right? Wrong. Inevitably I spent those 20 minutes 1) watching another game that’s suddenly and inexplicably going down to the wire; 2) trying to learn all about a high-scoring guard I hadn’t previously heard of; or 3) frantically searching social media for injury updates. Because this is women’s college basketball, surely there will be one (or two or 17) officiating controversies, so I’ll also be searching the Internet for information and reaction on that. 

The point is, do yourself a favor, get up a little earlier, get away from your screens and get outside. You’ll appreciate it later when you’ve spent 14 straight hours glued to the couch, and so will your dog. Bonus points if your dog is wearing some sort of clothing supporting your favorite team. 

Have numbers ready for the trolls

No, not your cell number — don’t be giving that out to anyone who’s mocking women’s basketball. They definitely don’t deserve you. I’m talking stats. If history is any indication, at some point over the next three weeks, someone will clap back at your excitement with the highly unoriginal “no one watches/cares about women’s sports.” 

Now, remember that the chief emotion you should feel for these people is pity, because they clearly have very little in their lives. But first, thank them for the opportunity to educate everyone. Share the numbers from last year’s title game, which peaked at 12.6 million viewers, and mention the fact that Clark doesn’t just break scoring records, but TV records, too. Encourage them to take our Clark quiz and when they inevitably get “you might be a women’s sports hater,” nod knowingly and call out, “Predictable!” Ask them if they also think they could beat Clark in H-O-R-S-E (of course they do). 

Finally, while I can’t endorse pouring someone’s drink on top of their head, I can’t stop you from doing it, either. Just remember to tip the bartender well, cause they probably have to deal with this sexist jerk all the time. And if it’s a woman bartender, tip her double.

Email Lindsay Schnell at lschnell@usatoday.com or follow her on social media @Lindsay_Schnell