Rhea Perlman, Danny DeVito and when couples stay married long after they've split

Couple goals? Forget Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. My pick is Rhea Perlman and Danny DeVito.  

Seeing exes Perlman and DeVito on the red carpet together at the 75^th Emmy Awards reminded me that these two really get what relationships are all about. DeVito even gave a sweet shout-out to Perlman while presenting, noting how many Emmys she has under her belt, "Even Rhea won four for ‘Cheers.'”

And they’re not even together. Well, not exactly. They ended their decades-long relationship in 2012, reconciling shortly thereafter and breaking up for good in 2017.

But despite being separated, they are together in all of the ways that matter: They share a slew of acting credits, three grown children and they are still publicly celebrating each other's successes.

Yet in 2024, Perlman and DeVito still aren’t divorced. And it’s not because they are still hashing things out in divorce court or fighting over assets.   

More:Cameron Diaz says we should normalize sleep divorces. She's not wrong.

“We are still married,” Perlman told Julia Louis-Dreyfus during an appearance on her podcast in 2023. “And we are still very good friends and we see each other a lot. And our family is still the most important thing to both of us.” 

Danny DeVito, Rhea Perlman and amicable splits

How can an ex-couple have such a mature and healthy relationship, especially in Hollywood?  

While the couple is notoriously private, I have seen it happen in my practice as a sex and relationship therapist. It is possible to maintain a healthy friendship after a divorce or a separation if you are both willing to work at it. 

When you view each other as teammates with a joint goal (maintaining the health of your family and the well-being of your children) rather than as opponents, it becomes much easier to manage special events like weddings, graduations − and even red carpets. 

How to have a healthy breakup

It often requires a cooling-off period in which both people are given time to lick their wounds. It’s good to limit time together when you first break up, especially if another love interest is in the equation.  

And you have to remember that sometimes staying too close to your ex can keep you from moving forward. Your ex can be your best friend, but if it’s causing issues in either of your love lives, it’s time to examine whether you are working towards a healthy future or clinging to the past.    

As with all things, healing requires us to move with the ebbs and flows of life and to realize that nothing can ever stay the same forever.   

“Sometimes I wish we were still together because those were the glory days, but these are other kinds of glory days,” Perlman said during a recent interview with People magazine.  

Change can be heartbreaking, but when we deny change, we miss out on growth opportunities.

This might not have been the future that Perlman and DeVito envisioned when they tied the knot in 1982, but that doesn’t mean that it isn’t their happily ever after. They might not be husband and wife in the traditional sense, but they love and support each other to this day.

It might not be what they write rom-coms about, but it should be because this is real love. It’s ever-changing, it’s ever-challenging and it is always leading us to be the best version of ourselves.   

Dr. Laura Berman is a world-renowned sex, love and relationship therapist. She earned two masters degrees and a Ph.D. from New York University, and is New York Times best-selling author of nine books and an award-winning syndicated radio host. She currently hosts the popular love and sex advice podcast “The Language of Love.” You can find her on Facebook, Instagram and her website.

Trust a sex therapist, sober sex rules:You just have to get the courage to try it.